Tuesday 6 June 2017

Every Man Has His Price

You are bidding on the dignity
Of a thirty-five year-old man
Starting (no reserve) at fifty p.
A former writer and poet (freelance),
Now working in office administration
In British higher education.
He’s not using it right now, and needs the money
So he decided to list it. Like it’s funny.
Category: collectibles, religious objects,
Secular Humanism, abstract concepts.
Used or pre-owned, may show signs of wear.
Got any questions? Link’s down there.

Questions Received:
1. Are you also planning to list your soul? Would you consider a private deal?
2. If I win your dignity, would you mind if I donated it to Iggy Pop? I don’t need it like he does.
3. How much for international shipping?

It goes for five pounds and sixty pence at the end,
The price inflated by a single, unsuccessful last-minute bid.
With the certificate of ownership I shall send
A letter asking that he take more care of it than I did,
Although, since it is no longer in my hands,
I have no right to make demands.1

1In June 2011, having worked nearly a year in the sort of administrative non-job that made me want to die, I thought, sod it, I'm selling my dignity on eBay. So I did. The questions were actual questions I received. In the end, it went to Jon, who was kind enough to give it back a few years later.