Friday 8 March 2019

Ninja Postman

(Until very recently, this was, I honestly thought, the thing the most people would remember me for)
Ninja postman.
Ninja postman.
Ninja postman 
Moves more silently than a cat
(Black and white or otherwise)
Early in the morning
Just as day is dawning
The ninja steals the postbag from
Under the nose
Of the unsuspecting postmaster
Who doesn't see what the point is
Because everybody knows Trevor
And he could just say
"Morning, Derek," and
"What have you got for me today?"
But no, ever since he took that course
Off of the Internet it's all
I am a silent messenger of DEATH! 
(And the Royal Mail!)

Everybody knows that the man
In the bright red van
And the ninja mask
Under the old skool Royal Mail hat
Will not be trifled with;
People do not smile
Or wave to greet him:
He is a ghost in flesh. 

Maybe he arrives:
You can never be sure
No knock for him, no ring,
Through your door
Propelled from the bushes
Like ninja! throwing! stars!
With lethal accuracy

You are out when the parcel arrives
You come home and find it
On the dining room table.

You wake in the small hours
A ninja blade at your throat
And a signing form in front of you.
You sign.
He says "thank you"
You sit alone in the dark
A parcel on your lap
Wondering what just happened

You will not complain:
The ways of the ninja
And the Royal Mail
Are difficult to fathom
Their laws are not your laws
(They charge you if your postage is underpaid)

Ninja postman.
Ninja postman.
Ninja postman
Moves more silently than a cat
(Black and white or otherwise)

All the birds are singing
The day is just beginning
And while the ninja recognises
That the pursuit of temporal happiness
Is but a distraction from the path
Of the true warrior
He knows he's pretty cool.